I love the past (that's not the realization-this will just give you some context). I always have, even when I was a little girl. I love learning about it, I love listening to older people speak about it, and I love thinking back on my own past and all the enjoyable experiences I've had. I graduated with a degree in history, and I loved all of the things I learned. I genuinely find joy in studying what came before and trying to figure out why things happened the way they did. It's kind of like a never-ending quest, with lots of neat things to discover on the way. One of my favorite quotes regarding this came from a Dear America series book that I can't remember the the title of, so, oops. But I think it is just beautiful and conveys my feelings exactly:
"Father always said there's no turning back in life, no matter how hard you wish it. There is only moving forward, and you must not settle for the past or the present but must always look to tomorrow. 'Look what happened to Lot's wife,' Father would say. 'Who wants to be a pillar of salt?'
Why do I look back then? Our bodies are composed of skin and bones and muscle and sinew, but our minds are composed of pieces of the people we love. That's why I look back, to put the pieces-the thoughts and feelings and memories-together in order to make sense out of everything."
I love that. So often I look back to remember precious memories with family members who have passed on. Or specific family situations that will never happen again. Or joyous friendships that have drifted and won't be the same again either. Sometimes I look back so often because I'm afraid I'll forget those good times. Sometimes I look back because I'm sad and lonely and discouraged and want to remember times when I was happy. Sometimes I look back because I'm scared of the uncertain terrain of the future.
Anyways...I'm listening to my "chill" playlist when "I'm Not Gonna Miss You" by Glen Campbell comes on. It's one of my faves and I love it so much I repeated it and listened to it again. Then when it ended for the second time, I was about to press the back arrow and listen to it a third time when I decided against it and took a chance on the next song. It was "Eyes" by Rogue Wave, which is another one of my favorites. I was pleasantly surprised. You all know...even though we make our own playlists, sometimes you're just not feeling any of the songs they pick on shuffle, and you keep pressing next, next, next hoping for something you're feeling. I guess that tonight I was afraid of that happening and wanted to skip that misery by repeating a song that I KNEW I was feeling and that I wanted to listen to.
Right as "Eyes" came on, it hit me...the correlation to my life. So often I feel like I get really blessed with something I love, whether its a friendship, a relationship, house, job, etc, and then I hold on to it long after its gone and in the past, because I'm afraid I'll never again find something that I like as much as that thing. When actually, what I SHOULD be doing, is enjoying the moment, and then taking a chance on what's coming up next in this playlist called life. Who knows? I could have a bunch of bad experiences where i'll be hitting "next, next, next..." hoping to come across something that I like and enjoy. But I COULD find something that I like and enjoy just as much, or maybe even more, than the previous thing that I couldn't seem to let go of.
Basically, what I need to do is ENJOY ALL SEASONS OF LIFE. Remember the past fondly, but try not to dwell there too long. Savor the situations/people that I love and don't think of the sad possibility of losing them and never finding something so great again. To not be afraid of the uncertainty of the future. Because we never know what's going to happen in life. There will be a lot of "songs" we're not feeling and want to just skip, there will be "songs" we want to repeat over and over. But life moves on. And I need to remind myself of that. Try not to be sad that its over, but be happy that it happened. And try not to be discouraged and feeling like it won't ever happen again. Because I have faith that I have a bright future ahead of me.
I know there's a lot of things about this comparison that don't match up...the fact that we can't exactly choose all the experiences that make up our playlist of "life"; the fact that we can't really "skip" experiences that we don't like; yadda yadda yadda...but you get the idea.
So, in the spirit of a new year and new beginnings, I am going to add this to my list of 2015 goals/resolutions:
REMEMBER THE PAST. LIVE IN THE MOMENT. LOOK TO THE FUTURE.
I still love thinking about the wonderful things that have already happened in my life that I will never have again. But I am going to continue to try hard not to LIVE in the past. I want to live in the present, with my thoughts and actions pointed towards the future. I feel like that will make me very happy.
There are a lot of other things i'm focusing on this year...
-finally finishing my in depth study of "Jesus the Christ."
-paying off my credit card by the end of June
-learning more about the Price family
-finishing my application to the DAR
And a few other things...
But I am going to try hard to center myself on this mantra. I am SO excited for 2015. I have no idea what's going to happen, or what I'll be doing a year from now. But isn't that what makes life beautiful? The possibilities lying in the unknown?
It's going to be a great year. Because I am going to make it one.
